These are my words for 2021. In all that I affirm, reach for, and work towards I must remember that hard work and commitment are necessary. Commitment is the only way to get to where I want to go.
I need to practice more mindfulness to help keep me grounded. I want to start meditating again. I want to start taking more time to view the world and spend less time looking at a screen. I need to be more present for myself, my husband, and my kids because all of these relationships suffer as a result of me not being able to look away from social media.
I need to be gentle. Speak to myself with kind words and stop being so damn self-deprecating. I need to be less hard on myself when anxiety starts to take over. I need to realize that a panic attack does not equal failure.
I stopped making new years resolutions years ago, now I just refer to them as goals.
here they are.
1. Get over my bridge phobia.
If you've read my memoir, The Anxiety Diaries, then you may already know WHY I have a fear of bridges. To be honest, I was never thrilled about crossing bridges, to begin with. As an adult with GAD, I noticed I would not let myself swallow while on any bridge. But after the events of 2019 I have only been on a bridge less than 10 times this entire year and each of those times I wasn't the one driving. I want to be able to both be a passenger and a driver and cross that bridge. Avoidance has only given my fear more power.
I plan on either seeing a new therapist or going back to my old one very soon into the new year.
2. Improve my credit.
At the moment I have NONE. Every time I open up Credit Karma a bold N/A pops up where my score should be. I also have some debt and I'm not sure what I can do to fix my credit other than hiring someone to help me, so I'm going to hire someone to help me. I also want to get a credit card and use it responsibly.
3. Have multiple streams of income
I am already an author and I plan on making the transition from stay-at-home mom to working mom as soon as possible. I hope my new job in the medical field can be my "bread and butter" but I don't want just my 9 to 5 to be my income. My husband and I work very hard, him outside the house, me inside our home and although my husband has a great job, we have a huge family, and living paycheck to paycheck has always been our way of life. I would like that to stop in 2021. I have a few ideas for making passive income by using my creativity and I can't wait to see them fall into action.
4. Launch wellness/sisterhood group.
A friend of mine and I are collaborating on creating a safe, healing environment for our women of color. Stay tuned for more.
5. LOSE WEIGHT
I want my pre-covid body back! I am currently the heaviest that I have EVER been and it fucking sucks. Thank god I didn't throw out my bag of "fat" clothes because they sure came in handy. There are a few factors that have caused my weight gain.
I spent the first half of 2019 working at a greasy, fatty Cheesesteak spot and I gorged way too much. Who eats a couple few sized Philly cheesesteaks a week? Me also with mayo and extra bacon, and cheese fries on the side.
The second half of the year I was out of work and just at home.
I have been on my antidepressants for over a year now and it reportedly has weight gain as side effect especially when you have been on it for a while
I know what I have to do to lose the weight. I have been keeping up with walking 30 minutes a day and doing a push/leg/pull approach to working out. I just recently added cardio to my workouts but most importantly I need to eat at a caloric deficit which I already know, it's just frickin hard. I've done this before. I know I have what it takes. I know the commitment that is required. It's just so damn hard to not snack on little things like cookies that have such a high-calorie count.
6. Practice more self-care
I don't care of myself the way that I should. I used to pamper myself, do or get my nails done regularly and do things that were good for my mental health. Somehow along this year, I have lost myself, again. As a result, I'm crabbier, have less patience, and more of a short fuse. I need to aim for daily meditation. I need to take better care of my skin. I need to do things that make me feel good and sexy and feminine. I need silence. I need to getaway. I need to have alone time and space to recharge BEFORE my battery runs out. I need to be more vocal about my needs.
I would like to go out more in 2021, granted there is still a pandemic but that can't stop us from safely exploring our surroundings. I want to visit some historical black sites and museums. I want to go to some of the black-owned book stores in the city. I want more dates with my husband (our very last one was the weekend before the Shelter in place laws came into effect.) I want another girls trip. I want a mommy getaway. I want to finally get away for a night or two with my husband. I want to go on a family vacation and actually enjoy it this time.
8. Be present
Along with using mindfulness to ground me, I want to spend less time on my goddamn phone. I just downloaded an app and I'm going to set alerts and timers to stop me from spending "too much" time online. I want to be present. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to reflect and discover more. I want to spend more time with my children. I want them to feel seen and heard.
The beginning of the year and a new start is always so sweet and invigorating. But fatigue has a habit of setting in pretty quickly. I would like to do a quarter year check-up in MAY.